Congress Hires “Asian Kid” as part of new Public Relations Campaign

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WASHINGTON- In a move that has left many Beltway observers nodding with approval, lawmakers of both parties revealed that they have hired “a shrugging Asian kid” to spearhead their new public image campaign. Sources have confirmed that this campaign aims to tone down the alarming rate of “complaining, media scrutiny, and public participation” that has sprung up in the capital this year.

When questioned about the move congressional spokesman Richard Stein commented that, “This kid has a real talent. He singlehandedly took down a 100 thousand strong union protest… by shrugging. When you see him shrug, it’s like you tap into the most apathetic, slovenly part of yourself. Suddenly attending a rally or writing to your congressman becomes the furthest thing from your mind. All you want to do is sit in your boxers at home and watch Friends re-runs. I had to take two weeks off work the first time I saw him shrug. I’m telling you, the kid’s good.”

Wildly Inappropriate Yogi tea quotes

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I drink a lot of yogi tea. Alright, in all honesty I’m addicted to the stuff (drink like 8 or 9 pints a day). I’ve always appreciated the beautiful and uplifting quotes that come along with the tea, but lately I’ve noticed that some disturbing quotes have been sneaking themselves into this beloved product. At first I thought they might be typos, but now I’m beginning to think there is some sick minded employee at yogi tea purposely spreading their negativity. Take a look at some of the quotes I read when I was ready to be relaxed and inspired:

Bliss is a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss, except of course if I lose money, in which case it is ON, you gold-digging skank!

Be great, feel great, act great, fart great, wait in line at the dmv great.

Every heartbeat creates a miracle… if you’re a vampire.

Happiness is every human being’s birthright, unless you were born in Canada, in which case it is not happiness but “gee golliness!”

Nature is a true giver, a true friend and a sustainer, just watch out cus everyone now and then it gets catty and buries you alive in a landslide.

Let things come to you. Pheromone spray, man. Pheromone spray.

Live and let live… in a fenced off corner where the ingrates will not disturb you.

Love is ecstasy… Bow wow chika bow wow.

Joy is the essence of success. Water is the essence of life. And wetness is the essence of water. (Wasn’t this from like a movie or something?)

Recognize that the other person is you. I know that mirrors can be confusing, but please just recognize it already—you went to college for crying out loud!

Our thoughts are forming the world… so please take the red pill and learn kung fu already.

Practice kindness, compassion and caring. Also, practice your twerking, it’s like, the new thing.

Self-reliance conquers any difficulty. That is why I refuse to use roads and ride my horse everywhere I go.

Strength does not lie in what you have. It lies in what you can give. So if you want to prove you’re strong Mr. Gates, you will donate a million dollars to my human beat box kickstarter.

The best way of life is to be, simply be. I mean come on people, have you ever seen a rock have problems?

You are bountiful. You are prodigious. Lady, we couldn’t even cover you with one of those rainbow colored pesticide tarps.

Be happy, so long as breath is in you. Be happy, so long as Doritos and liquid cheese are not in you.

Well, needless to say I called Yogi Tea to file a complaint, but had the following strange conversation:

Me: Hi, I am outraged at your quotes! I don’t pay 3.99 just so you can—

Employee: Please help us! (heavy breathing) They’ve got us trapped in here packing tea, doing hot yoga, and … (sobs hysterically) watching Dharma and Greg re-runs!

Me: Good lord, that’s inhumane. Alright, well I guess I can see why you guys have to vent somehow, so I’ll overlook the quotes. I’d contact someone to rescue you guys but I’ve heard that the best way to live is to just be. So…

Employee: No, wait you can’t—

Me: Seeya (Click).

Has anyone else found crazy quotes in their tea? Well, I’m going to go work on my greatness now (They’ve got that Alexander the Great movie on TNT, it has Colin Ferrell in it, so hot). Seeya.

Transgender The Big Bang Theory script

Is anyone out there willing to read my BBT spec script? There is a scene that involves a transgender club and I want to check to see if I don’t cross a line with my humor. TBBT is pretty raunchy, but since I don’t have much experience with this subject I want to get some people’s reactions before I send it out.